Dead Seriousness News: Pope Benedict XVI Resigns Papacy, Converts To Islam
HOLY SEE – In a shocking press conference Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI revealed to the world that he will be stepping down from the Catholic Church's highest office. "Through prayer and reflection over the past years," the world's holiest man began, "I've realized that Allah is the one true God."
Amid clattering camera shutters and roaring reporters, Pope Benedict patiently answered questions, citing traditional Muslim folklore as well as passages from the Qur'an to explain his decision. His session was interrupted only once, when he swiveled South-East to face Mecca, stooped to the ground, and recited the Asr, one of the five daily prayers central to Muslim belief.
The startling reversal comes as a shock to many familiar with the Pope's policies on Islam. "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached," the Bishop of the Vatican famously said of Islam in his 2006 lecture Faith, Reason and the University—Memories and Reflections.
When asked about the quote, Pope Benedict sighed with good-humored remorse and chuckled quietly to himself: "Yeah I've regretted that for some time. But I was young and naïve… I see things much clearer now. Besides, I've always kinda liked the thought of having a sword. The Cardinals were a real pain on that one."
When asked whether he would be reverting to his born name, Pope Benedict enthusiastically interjected. "I've decided to change my name to Sajjad Sayyid Ratzinger," His Ex-Holiness explained. "I'm keeping my surname purely for logistical reasons, so my Facebook friends and Twitter followers won't be confused."
His transition hasn't been without opposition. Hours after the press conference, a special Fox and Friendssegment aired on FOXNEWS, featuring a picture of the Pope photoshopped to include stereotypical Islāmic features, including: a turban in place of his mitre, darkened complexion, black hair, and Arabic letters spelling out an endorsement of Barack Hussein Obama tattooed across his chest. Beneath the picture, the panel discussed the possible involvement of Pope Benedict XVI, 85, in 9/11. The segment's title, "The Holy Heathen," emblazoned the lower left corner of the screen.
This morning, newspapers nationwide featured an editorial by Bill O'Reilly detailing the parallels between the Pope's "betrayal of God-loving Christians everywhere" with the "betrayal of the American people and the Constitution by Benedict Arnold, his liberal agenda, and his radical left-wing entourage."
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